I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
