I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
