Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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