I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
