first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
