My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
