So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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