I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
