im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize