listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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