Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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