Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
In other news, I just burned my penis
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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