dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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