i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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