I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize