I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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