Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
