the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
