Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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