I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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