Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
