I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Randomize
