just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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