if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
