yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
