Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
