Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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