I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
