I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I did not marry a roomba.
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