do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We need to get me chipped asap
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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