It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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