Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
