I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize