forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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