Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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