Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize