It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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