Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
