i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
