Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
