I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
