I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
