Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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