i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
