worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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