I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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