Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
