I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
