My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize