2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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