woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
