even my farts smell like vagina
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize