Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
