you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
