true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
