got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
