he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
