I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
