well I can't set my house on fire every night
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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