I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
