Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
