No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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